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give me all your hopeless hearts [userpic]

October 26th, 2015 (04:34 am)
thoughtful

current location: home
current mood: thoughtful

cat keeps walking all over and sitting on the laptop, yet when i put the laptop off to the side, he's completely uninterested in sitting on my lap or the laptop. =/

*

recently, i figured out i'm on the asexual spectrum. i'm 35 years old, and i can count the number of times i've been interested in having sex. i am attracted to people mostly based on personality, but it's very rarely a sexual attraction. it's more that i just want to be around them. i can appreciate people i find aesthetically pleasing, but i have no desire to take them to bed. as far as that goes, when i find someone aesthetically pleasing, it's almost always faces, not bodies. i don't really want to see people without their clothes on, and watching people making out on tv makes me uncomfortable. sometimes i wonder if most people even realize how often people make out or have sex on tv. it's a lot.

my favorite parts of romantic relationships are really just the parts where we spend time together, hanging out and watching tv or playing games, snuggling on the couch, holding hands, playing with each others' hair, that kind of thing.

i don't personally know anyone else like this. i know that they exist, or there wouldn't be terms like asexual and graysexual, but it feels kind of lonely sometimes.

one time, when i was 18, i spent the evening with a friend, a guy who was six or eight years my senior, i can't remember now. we ran some errands, and he made dinner while we hung out at his apartment. he kissed me, and i wasn't sure how i felt about it, so i kissed him back, because that's what you do when a boy kisses you. kissing led to making out, and i ended up with my back on the floor and my bra undone and his hands all over me. i could tell he was really into it, so i tried to be into it, to.

but then he stopped. and he said something like, "i'm sorry, but i'm having trouble figuring out if you're enjoying this or not. do you want to stop?"

i was a virgin, but i'd had similar sexual encounters before. and nothing like this had ever happened to me. all i could think of to say was "um," and just kind of blink at him blankly.

so he stopped. he was totally aroused, and i didn't say i wanted him to, but he stopped. looking back, it was the nicest anyone had ever been to me in that kind of a situation. but back then, i was mortified. completely and wholly embarrassed and ashamed. because it was my job, wasn't it? to make sure that the boy came away from the experience satisfied?

he made an effort to make sure i was okay and things didn't get weird, but i couldn't feel un-weird about it.

i think about it a lot.

i wonder about other young girls, graysexual or not, and how many of them end up doing things before they're ready because they've learned that the keeping a boy around is the top priority, and/or because the boy isn't observant or caring enough to figure out that she's not ready.

Comments

Posted by: mrsquizzical (mrsquizzical)
Posted at: October 27th, 2015 09:00 am (UTC)

what a lovely man! (shouldn't be so unusual or noteworthy, but i'm impressed by him anyway).

also *hugs*. life is discovery.

<333

Posted by: give me all your hopeless hearts (barmy_bunk)
Posted at: October 27th, 2015 08:12 pm (UTC)
scarf

It should be commonplace! There's no reason this should stand out as extraordinary, that this guy should be anything other than average. Yet here we are. =/

Posted by: you know it's true (miss_diverse)
Posted at: October 27th, 2015 10:37 am (UTC)
MCR gerard smiling b+w

Hey bb girl. Love hearing your thinky thoughts. ♡

Life is funny. Sex is weird.

I once sent a boy away from my house because he tried to insist I give him oral sex. (He had a huge erection and had to ride his bicycle home, lol!) I remember being proud of myself for being brave enough to send him away... but yeah, how many girls are not brave enough or come across a guy not quite nice enough, or whatever? :( I'm glad the guy you were with was a good one.

I'm sorry you feel lonely. Love you. ♡ ♡ ♡

Posted by: give me all your hopeless hearts (barmy_bunk)
Posted at: October 27th, 2015 08:42 pm (UTC)
dean thinks you're awesome

that was very brave of you! good for you. how old were you?

i have always been pretty submissive about sex stuff because it doesn't really come naturally to me; i'm not sure what i'm supposed to be doing or feeling, what would be the 'normal' response to things. it's not always that i don't want to, because sometimes i want to the make the other person feel good, you know? it's often more that i don't really know how to, i guess? so mostly i just try to be accommodating.

i mean, obviously i read enough fic to get it, but it's different when you're trying to implement it yourself. because nothing feels like the right thing. i don't know how to explain it. =/

Posted by: you know it's true (miss_diverse)
Posted at: October 27th, 2015 11:35 pm (UTC)
Lynz close

I think I was 15. And I knew he didn't actually like me. He was a creep but he was younger than me so it was a bit weird. idk.

Anyway.

I'm not asexual but I hate the way sex is considered this massively important thing. Like your relationship must suck if you're not having lots of sex and if you don't feel like sex ever there's something wrong with you. What bollocks.

And there's a fine line between being accommodating and being a... idk, a pushover or a doormat. I think it can be great to consent to sex just to please your partner, assuming they know that and it's a good relationship.

Just rambling and half talking to myself here.

I know what you mean by nothing feels like the right thing though. I don't think you're too much of a minority with that.

Posted by: give me all your hopeless hearts (barmy_bunk)
Posted at: October 28th, 2015 09:18 pm (UTC)
johnlock look

well now i'm even more impressed. well done, you.

i'm so happy right now that you're a part of my life. i ♥ you so much.

Posted by: you know it's true (miss_diverse)
Posted at: October 29th, 2015 10:05 am (UTC)
we need to co-operate

Right back atcha, bb girl. ♡

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